How do I not regret an unlived happy life?

Since I came back from Scotland, those thoughts have been burning me alive.

How do I not regret?

How do I live with myself knowing I made a terrible decision?

How do I move on?

How do I convince myself that I am not unhappy?

How do I stop blaming myself for what I did and did not do?

>no, I did not kill or injure anyone, but I disappointed myself, deeply...and few others<

Few months ago, I had the opportunity to decide whether I want to keep studying in Stirling or if I should finish off in Prague. That is when the regrets started.

But let´s go back a little and see how it all started.

How did I chose to study abroad in Stirling in the first place?

I actually got into University of Glasgow, Edinburgh Napier University and University of Dundee too. Once I was to decide, I went on google images, pictures like this one 

came up and the choice was clear. :)

It was 100% University of Stirling for me. Even the word "Stirling" sounds beautiful, doesn´t it?

As you see, my decision was not really based on much brain activity and it was the best one I could have made.

>Though when I was to do the same, I failed to switch off my doubtful brain...and that is what caused all the damage.<

From the very beginning in Scotland, actually from the moment the wheels of the plane touched the runway in Edinburgh airport on the 31st of January, I knew that everything was going to be fine and my concerns about what awaits for me in the unknown were away. 

And...I was the happiest there I can ever recall. 

I met wonderful people, I enjoyed the uni, I loved the language, the country, the customs, the hikes and how everything was so unlike in the Czech Republic. And I was an adult, I communicated with my parents rarely and noone controlled me. It was just me, a 22 year-old person in a foreign country living an adult life.

I did miss my family, our dogs and friends at times, but nothing major.

And I knew....I knew that it was the right place for me. 

By mid-April I applied for finishing my studies at the University of Stirling. The answer was positive, yes I could. However, I would have to finish within 2, instead of 1 year that I had left. They would not acknowledge 1 year of credits that I earned back home.
>Pure bureaucracy<

 My bachelor studies in Prague are for 4 years already and if I went to Scotland it would mean that it would be 5 years in the end. My brain analysed that as additional time = additional costs for my parents who kindly support me throughout my studies.

I actually went to counselling because of that and...once I was leaving the room, I had to go to a toilet. Out of 6 empty cabins I chose one with this paper stuck inside.

I had to laugh when I saw it. If that was not an answer to my doubting mind, what was then?

And yet, I was trapped in the process of making decisions for about 3 painful months and in the end I made a wrong one.

When the crucial deadline of really having to make a decision approached, I did the exact opposite that the random person advised.

I flushed my hopes and dreams down the toilet!

I listened to my brain. 

I thought that 2 more years of studies would be too much. 

I already went for an extra year abroad during my high-school... and so I thought that I am not the youngest and that it would not be fair to my parents if they had to support me for one more extra year.

I thought that I should not burden anymore.

I thought that loosing the opportunity of earning a double diploma, since I already studied 3 years for it, would be too high price.

No matter how cliché this is going to sound..I made a decision, based on what my brain told me to do and I did not listen to my heart. I made a decision thinking would be "good for me", not "what I really want". And my heart is so angry at my brain, like it never was.

I regret.

I regret leaving Scotland.

I regret, leaving my friends in Scotland.

I regret, having to study at Uni, that is so hard, that I feel suffocated and not having any free time. I feel like it sucks out my energy and the remaining bits of good mood from me.
I regret not being a part of the community of the Green and Blue Space (http://www.julieisinscotland.blogspot.cz/2014/10/green-and-blue-space-my-story.html) anymore.

I regret, that I am in a position of a child again, when I was an adult already.

I can´t stand living in Prague.

I can´t stand the city and the contiguous chaos and the stress that it spreads.

I can´t stand how horrible, ignorant and antagonistic people are to each other here.

I can´t stand that instead of cycling through a beautiful countryside to Uni and observing bunnies and deers, I have to take a tram and be there stuck with angry and smelly people for 45 minutes twice a day.

I can´t stand how badly my Uni treats students. Since when does the negative motivation work?!?!?

I can´t stand myself for choosing the wrong choice.

My friend Rachel wrote that a study-abroad experience truly is just a snap-shot in one´s life. And she is right, people move to places and once a chapter of their life is finished, they move on.

But I can´t.

I can´t move on, because I know how happy I was and how unhappy I am and that it is me who caused this. 

Somehow...I can´t close the chapter. 

I can´t close off the happy memories and yet at the same time it is so painful to recall them, because I know that I could have continued in them...and I chose not to.

Does the time heal?

I tend to forget slightly how much I hate myself and how much I hate it here...but once I travel and come back, it hits me. 

Now I know...

I know that I would not have double diploma (an American and European one), but it would not matter to me. 

I would have to work to support myself.

I could have been cycling to Uni everyday seeing the bunnies and deers, 

I could have engaged in extra-curricular activities that actually made sense (again http://www.julieisinscotland.blogspot.cz/2014/10/green-and-blue-space-my-story.html).

I could have been among really good friends who did this video for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypFCD7LW9xY
and I gave that up.
I know that it confuses my parents when they randomly come to my room and find me crying, but I cannot help it.

 I could have been bloody happy!

...and I chose not to.